Coping mechanisms_2

I still use all the coping mechanisms I've written about before. I still try not to fall asleep while watching tv but it's hard because I like falling asleep while listening to something. Sometimes I listen to a podcast just because the light of the Ipad sometimes bothers. My sleep is very regular now I just wished I could sleep as much as I did before. I miss that. I don't have the horrible dreams I used to have, at least not so much. I think that I still have one or two per week if much because I wake up really sad and I feel tired during those days. But I really believe that my sleep pattern really did improve. 

I've been trying really hard not to think about things over and over again. Most of the times I write about them here on the blog and while writing about them, most of the times, I can see them from another perspective and I try to see the good about them and not the bad as I normally do. I had the proof about this a couple of weeks ago when something very personal happened and I really think if this had happened before it would be something to bring me back to the way I was in September. Really. But this time I thought about things and I've reached to the conclusion that I can't change people, I can't change the way they think or the way they see things. I can only be responsible for my actions. What happened had an (negative) effect on me of course, but I reacted to it better than what I was expecting.  This was a big improvement. I still find it difficult but I'm trying.

Living in Porto is getting better day by day. I still feel I don't belong there, but at the moment I feel I don't belong anywhere. Not even in Afife. I'm trying to have new memories in Porto. Is not easy, specially because I still don't feel good when I'm alone. I still don't feel secure. Again, my cousin, has been a great help. We're doing lots of things together there and it's great, even when it's just hanging out in each others houses. He's still is a rock and I really try to let him know that.

I still avoid doing things that I believe are going to hurt me. I've only recently started to listen to Capitão Fausto again. I really believe there are some bands and tv shows that I will never listen/watch again. Even thinking about them is hard, but I will try to change this. I can't let this rule my life. I already think I let this go on for too long. 

I've been learning a lot about myself and I've learned that I like to be around people but around the right people. Only few persons make me feel secure and well. I guess that's because of all the walls I've been building around myself. I only let in the ones I feel won't hurt me and that like me for who I am. The ones that proved me this. 

I also found that going to the gym has helped me calm down when I'm having a bad day. Writing here on this blog helps a lot as I've said before (here) and it's a way to keep my anxiety down and to try to change my perspectives. My cats are also a great help. Coming home to them after a long week away  is the best thing on that week. Being able to cuddle them and just spend time with them calms down me so much. It's amazing how pets can help people with depression. 

One thing I still can't do is going to the cinema alone. In the past I loved going to the cinema alone. My friends used to find it weird but it was something that I really enjoyed doing. Being alone watching a movie was something important to me. I tried to go last year, in October I believe, and it was horrible. I wasn't ready to spend all that time alone, the story was not the best one as weren't the character's names! I haven't tried to go alone again. I really want to but I'm scared. I guess that one day I will.

All in all I do believe I'm still on the right path, I just have to be patient (and I'm not) and I still have to accept that these things take time.