Coping mechanisms
All of the appointments with the psychologist taught me what I could do to control or to cope with what I was feeling and that wasn't helping me getting better.
Basically he taught me how to create a sleeping routine and showed me what I was doing wrong before sleeping. I had to stop falling asleep while watching tv (I still do that on the bad days because I can't fall asleep and the quiet of the bedroom doesn't help me and I start to have these thoughts that don't let me fall asleep and I just can't stop them) and I had to start going to bed always at the same time and wake up always at the same time (I can't do this on the weekends because I like to stay up late working). That helped me. I notice that my sleep is a lot more regular (I still don't sleep as lot as I used to) and that I don't dream as much as I used to! And if I dream I don't remember the dreams and I don't wake up crying and feeling desperate as it used to happen.
He also taught me to think differently. To try to see things with other perspective, to try to see the big picture and not focus on the little things as I used to do. It's hard for me because I tend to have an idea stuck in my head and I think about it over and over again. I think I'm starting to learn how to not do that. But it's very hard for me. It's very hard to change the way you deal with things. To start to deal with things in a completely different way than the way you did all your life. But it's possible. At least I really think I'm changing it!
When I'm in Porto it's very hard for me (as I told you 100000 times!) and what the psychologist told me to do was to try to create new memories because the old ones still hurt me. And that's something I still didn't start doing because when I'm here I just want to be at home. It's hard for me to be here. And for me it's a victory everyday I'm here. And it's a relief the day I go to my parents home. But it's never a win/win situation because I feel guilty. I want to like to live in Porto. I want to love it as I did in the beginning of this year. I really do. I just really don't know how to do it. I'm lost. I feel lost when I'm here. Very lost. I still feel abandoned.
The rest of the things I do to not get hurt it's to avoid things I know will only hurt me if I do them. I stopped watching some tv shows. One of them it's Peaky Blinders. I can't watch it and I love it. I only have 4 episodes to watch and I can't. I don't even try to watch anymore. And it's painful. The other it's The Ranch. I tried to watch the new episodes this weekend and I started crying. They remind me of times I still can't think about without crying. So I avoid that. I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to watch it ever again. I stopped listening to certain songs/bands. I thought I was ready to listen to Capitão Fausto but I'm not. As I'm not ready to listen to Arctic Monkeys, Luís Severo, Ganso, Duquesa. I hate this about me. I associate things with times and people in my life. And when things don't go the way I wanted them to go my favorite things become ruined from me. And this was the first time it happened with music. Most of the times music is more important than anything for me and nothing ruins it. I'm really getting used to all of this. I'm dealing with new things.
In the end I try to do everything I can to avoid not to recall the memories that hurt me. And to avoid all the things I know that are going to trigger bad feelings in me. With time I learned what was good and what was bad. I know if I listen to a certain song I'm going to start to cry or to feel this immense pain inside me. I also avoid places with lots of people. Like a dinner party with lots of people. Because I started to notice that with lots of people I start to isolate myself. And that makes me start thinking and I start to want to stop thinking and it's an endless process. Most of the times I end up crying in the bathroom alone.
He also taught me to think differently. To try to see things with other perspective, to try to see the big picture and not focus on the little things as I used to do. It's hard for me because I tend to have an idea stuck in my head and I think about it over and over again. I think I'm starting to learn how to not do that. But it's very hard for me. It's very hard to change the way you deal with things. To start to deal with things in a completely different way than the way you did all your life. But it's possible. At least I really think I'm changing it!
When I'm in Porto it's very hard for me (as I told you 100000 times!) and what the psychologist told me to do was to try to create new memories because the old ones still hurt me. And that's something I still didn't start doing because when I'm here I just want to be at home. It's hard for me to be here. And for me it's a victory everyday I'm here. And it's a relief the day I go to my parents home. But it's never a win/win situation because I feel guilty. I want to like to live in Porto. I want to love it as I did in the beginning of this year. I really do. I just really don't know how to do it. I'm lost. I feel lost when I'm here. Very lost. I still feel abandoned.
The rest of the things I do to not get hurt it's to avoid things I know will only hurt me if I do them. I stopped watching some tv shows. One of them it's Peaky Blinders. I can't watch it and I love it. I only have 4 episodes to watch and I can't. I don't even try to watch anymore. And it's painful. The other it's The Ranch. I tried to watch the new episodes this weekend and I started crying. They remind me of times I still can't think about without crying. So I avoid that. I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to watch it ever again. I stopped listening to certain songs/bands. I thought I was ready to listen to Capitão Fausto but I'm not. As I'm not ready to listen to Arctic Monkeys, Luís Severo, Ganso, Duquesa. I hate this about me. I associate things with times and people in my life. And when things don't go the way I wanted them to go my favorite things become ruined from me. And this was the first time it happened with music. Most of the times music is more important than anything for me and nothing ruins it. I'm really getting used to all of this. I'm dealing with new things.
In the end I try to do everything I can to avoid not to recall the memories that hurt me. And to avoid all the things I know that are going to trigger bad feelings in me. With time I learned what was good and what was bad. I know if I listen to a certain song I'm going to start to cry or to feel this immense pain inside me. I also avoid places with lots of people. Like a dinner party with lots of people. Because I started to notice that with lots of people I start to isolate myself. And that makes me start thinking and I start to want to stop thinking and it's an endless process. Most of the times I end up crying in the bathroom alone.
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