News

So this weekend I got some news. Not bad news, not good news. Just news. I really thought that by the time I got them they would make me feel sad, they would make me fall down again, that everything would start all over again. 

But no. I'm not going to say that it didn't hurt at all. It did, a little, but it wasn't as I always thought it would be. I don't even think I can say it was a step back and I also can't say it was something I was counting on. Well, it was, but even when you're counting with something to happen when it happens you can always be taken aback. I don't think that was what happened with me. I think I reacted pretty well actually. I didn't feel jealous or anything like that. And I'm pretty glad with myself. Of course I'm hoping that in the next few days I'll stay like this and I'm confident that I will. 

What bothers me the most is that my first thought was to send me down. To think bad things about myself. Things I hate to think but that I still do. The "I'm not good enough", "I'm not pretty enough", "I'm not smart enough". It was quick but they appeared and that bothers me a lot. Because it's my problem and it's a problem so old that I really don't know how to fix it. I've been trying to fix it but I just found out that I'm not being able to do it, at least I wasn't until now. I feel inferior again, like I did until July and I feel that I wasn't enough, that I will never be enough. And I hate to feel this way. I really do. It makes me feel so bad, it makes me not like me, it makes me not sleep again. Because all my problems of self esteem are coming up again. This will be my step back if there's one in all of this.

I guess it can't always be a big win! I reacted, in my opinion, perfectly, but my lack of self esteem made a visit. And I think this was all an improvement because in the past I would only think about the part that hurt a little but now I can see that it's normal. It's a chapter that I'm closing and I'm moving forward and this was the proof that I needed. And I can't wait to talk to my psychologist and to my psychiatrist about this. I really want to know what they think about all of this. And I'm really hoping that the little pain I felt doesn't grow in the next few days. I'm going to make everything I can so it won't! But I really believe it won't. We'll see!