Happy?!

Since the last meltdown I've been having a good couple of weeks! I've been feeling good again and, most importantly, I think I can say I've been feeling a little bit happy. I'm always scared of saying, or thinking, that I've been feeling happy because I fear that by saying it something bad it's going to happen. I still can't think that I can be happy. That feeling happy is something that I can feel. I always think that something is right around the corner just to take me down. 

I've been making an effort to change my way of thinking. I've been trying to make me believe that I can be happy, that I don't have to fear because I'm happy. Just because something bad happened the last time I was happy it doesn't mean that it's going to be that way again. I've been trying to make me be happy. But it's so hard. I'm still hurt. I can feel that. I'm still so hurt that I don't see myself trusting in anyone. | don't want to be hurt again so I just stay in my corner. But I've really been making the effort to change this. That's why I'm letting myself say that I'm feeling a little bit happy. But the fear is on my side while I'm writing this and is telling me to erase all of this that I wrote. But I'm not going to let fear command my life! (Or at least what I write in this blog)

I know I've wrote this a lot, but I really need to live my life and I think I'm really starting to do it now. I really want to talk to my psychologist about this. I want to ear what he has to say, but, even though I still feel that I'm at a 65% of living, it's more than what I was last month. 

The meltdown I had two weeks ago didn't scare me. It was hard. Really hard. But I think I've handled it the right way. I think, that even though it felt one step back, I was able to deal with it very well. It was just one day. The next day I felt better and the days after I was even better.

In the past I used to feel that days like this were always a step back and that would make me feel desperate because I could only think about how it was one step back after two steps forward and how that was a bad thing and how I would never get better. But now I can see that two steps forward, one step back, it's always one step forward. So, even if I take one step back every two steps forward, I will get to my destiny. It might take more time, the road might have more twists and turns, but I will get there. That's a change for the better I believe!