Christmas dinner at work

This week I had my lab's Christmas dinner. I was a little excited about it. This week as been hard for me. I feel that I'm taking a step back. I've been down and sad most of the week so when the day of the dinner arrived I was not okay.

During dinner I felt what I used to feel. Alone and abandoned. I just wanted to get out of there. I tried to make an effort in the beginning. I really tried but three people asked me how i was and tried to make me feel better. The rest didn’t even tried to talk to me, some (the ones I thought that cared about me, didn't even acknowledge my presence). Which just made me feel more alone, abandoned and made me use my phone more.

I know that when I'm like this people tend to not talk to me because they feel that I want to be left alone. I don't. I just don't know how to interact when I'm like this. I tend to isolate myself more and more. And honestly I know that some people there know this and they didn't care. That disappointed me a lot, but I guess I should expect that. I'm the one that thinks always the best of people and I'm the one that thinks that just because I like someone they like me back and that just because I care and I want everyone to be okay that everyone is like that. And I expect that from my friends. Maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I should just be cold to them like they are to me.

I'm really starting to realize who I can count on. And the ones I thought I could until a few weeks ago maybe I can't. Maybe they just don't care about me as I care about them. And I have to think, should I be like them? Should I make someone think I'm their friend when I'm not? Should I make someone think that I care when I don't? Or should I continue to feel stupid and care about people that in the end just disappoint me? Should I turn my heart into stone? Because that's what I want sometimes.

I know that maybe I'm being unfair. But I created this blog to put eveything that's in my mind somewhere. And I need to take this out of my mind.