Hormones

I've been observing that my hormones are having a big role in my depression. Or at least in my "bad days". The last time I cried all day (the "perfect storm") one of the things that contributed to that were the hormones. I only cried during one day but during that week I felt pretty bad. I felt down, my self esteem was lower than the usual, I felt that I had a hole in my heart, I felt lonely and a lot more stuff. All of that kind of passed after that week. Well, my self esteem is still low, but that's the usual.

Now, since Monday I've been feeling the same. It's not that I feel like in the beginning of the depression, but I'm still feeling pretty bad. The loneliness is bigger than last week and the hole in my heart is as bigger than ever. I got scared a little but I've came to the conclusion that it's the same time of the year again.

I really don't know what I can do about this. I can try to control my emotions and try to not let them overpower me. I have to use all the coping mechanisms again because I don't want to have a crying day again. It's tiresome and frustrating. When you're feeling better and you feel stable, this comes and throws it all out the window and you have to start all over again. So I have to do everything I can to not let this be a step back. I now it's going to be only for one week, but even so, psychologically this breaks me. Because everything I felt in the beginning is here again and I don't want to feel it again. I don't want to remember the heartbreak, the loneliness I felt, the panic I used to feel. I don't. Because it's hard to remember what you felt during one of the worst times of your life. The pain takes you back and it's like you're feeling everything all over again and the only thing you want to do is stay in bed and never get out of there. You don't want to be or talk with anyone. You just want to be left alone. And feeling all of this again is horrible. But now I know that I'm capable of passing through this and that I can put this in a corner on my mind and not be constantly thinking about things. If I feel pain? I do. But I've been able to not think about it and I know that in a week I'll be better. I just need to get through the week!

I can feel that I'm better and this week has been like a reminder of the "past" and it's not a good reminder trust me. But I guess it's going to help me, because I will know how to deal with these things when they return and even if they return for some other reason. at least I will know that I'm strong enough to overcome them.