Perfect storm

For a couple of days now I've been feeling that I'm lost. That there's nowhere I can go, that there's nothing I can do that's right or that's going to make me feel better. I think that was one of the things that made me cry and feel down last week. That combined with everything else that was/is happening made me have what my psychologist called of a "perfect storm". 

A "perfect storm" is one moment when everything that happened just accumulates and we have to put everything outside. In my case, as I'm still fragile, it made me have one day as the ones I used to have last year. A day where I just cried, where I felt fragile, ashamed of crying, nervous and irritable. The causes of  my "perfect storm" were various since hormones, feeling lost, being a little disappointed with the PhD, a big fight I had with my best friend, feeling, like always, insecure. All of this combined made me had that day, and add to this everyone believing and asking me if I was like this because of someone or just to cry for his attention. This only made me feel worse because even though I knew I wasn't like that because of someone, I started to think if they were right. Was it possible that I was like that because of him? But no. I know it's not because of him. I was just feeling insecure and what some people said made me think about it and doubt myself. 

It's hard when you try to explain that's not because of someone that you're with depression because you feel that no one believes in you. There was a coincidence of times when things happened so people assume it's because of that. And it's hard to recover from a heart break when you're dealing with depression. I think it's hard even without depression, but when you're with depression it's harder because you feel everything 1000 times more. Everything hurts more and it takes a lot more time to recover. So when people still think it's because of someone, you will always doubt even if only for a fraction of a second. The thought will always return to you. But then you think no, I'm not like this because of someone. I have a lot more problems I need to deal with, more important. I'm not going to waste time doubting even more. 

My "perfect storm" was horrible, but it showed me that I still have a long path ahead of me. That when things get hard I still panic and that there I'm going to have more "perfect storms" and I need to be prepared to them and I need to accept them and work through them. Go for a walk, get out of the place where I'm at the time, make something that calms me down. 

The psychologist said I'm well. I just need to work on the things that are making me feel lost and I know what they are. It's going to be hard I know, but it's something I need to do.