Dreams_2

Last night I had one of those dreams. One of those dream I didn't have in a while. One of those dreams that make me wake up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat, crying, in panic and feeling completely alone. The difference this time is that I remember what I was dreaming about.

I'm not going to talk about what I dreamt about because I'm still not ready to do it and I don't want to, What I want to talk about is what I felt different this time from the other times. 

This time I woke up exactly like all the other times. Panic. Tears. Fear. Loneliness. This is how I wake up and it's pretty hard for me to calm down. Normally I turn the light on and I try to do something to take these things out of mind. I try to cuddle with one of my cats that are always by my side at night, I try to read and if these two things don't work I try to watch tv. Something funny that comforts me. But it's hard to fall back to sleep again. Because the fear of waking up like this again is always there and everything is still very fresh inside me. So, most of the times I would stay awake all night. And the good thing out of the dreams was that I didn't remember what I had dreamt about so I wouldn't spent my time thinking about it because there was nothing to remember. 

This time I woke up the same but as I've said before I remembered the dream. And it was a hard dream, it was something that broke my heart again and I woke up feeling that one more thing. And it took me back to all those months ago. But this time I didn't need to turn the light on, I turned to the other side and I tried to sleep again and I was able too. And I didn't dream again. I know that I had my cats beside me and I fell asleep touching one of them and that calmed me down a lot. But I didn't feel the need to turn the light on, to try to read, to watch tv. And I was able to not think about the dream again. I was able to surpass the fear of falling asleep again. I was able to surpass all the emotions I had woken up with. This is a step forward to me. 

About the dream, I can't control what I dream about and maybe it was just some fear that I have, an unconscious thing. I don't know. But I'm happy that I was able to sleep again after it. That I didn't lose my time thinking about it. 

If I'm scared of dreaming again? I am. But I won't let that keeping me from sleeping. I won't.