Dreams
I used to love my dreams. Good or bad I loved them. I always dreamed and I always remembered my dreams. For a while I didn't remember what I dreamt about. I knew I had a dream during my sleep but I just couldn't remember what it was about. Most of the time it was something bad because I used to wake up in the middle of the night crying, feeling this pain inside me that seemed that it was going to break me. It was horrible. Waking up in the middle of the night like that. And the worst was that I couldn't say that it was because of a nightmare because I couldn't even remember what I had dreamt about.
Going to bed and dream was so good. Even if I had a nightmare I would wake up and try to put my dream back together in my mind and I used to think about it the rest of the day. I know that I had nights were I didn't remember what I dreamt about but I never woke up like that. I just couldn't remember the dream. There was no panic, no crying, no loneliness, and worse, there was not one thought about not wanting to wake up ever again. I'm not proud of it, but in the beginning I thought about it. Going to bed crying and waking up even worse was really getting me down, if that was possible. And once or twice I thought that it would be good not to wake up at all. The thought never crossed that barrier, but yes, it existed.
This happened for months. I think the first night I had where I woke up without crying was in December. And it felt great. The first dream I remember having happened last week, the first night I slept in Afife since Fluffy died. I had stayed up late studying in the kitchen and I had a pretty bad time while doing it because it was normal for Fluffy to come downstairs and just lay in the table while I was studying and I was always expecting for her to come through the kitchen door and she never did. So I cried a lot and went to sleep feeling pretty bad. And I dreamt with her. She was in our garden, in the grass, she was running and she was sleeping in the sun like she loved and she seemed so calm, so happy. I woke up sad and the weekend was horrible but that dream gave me a peace of spirit that I didn't know I needed.
I want to start dreaming again. I want to go to bed and not be scared of my dreams. I just don't know how to do it.
Going to bed and dream was so good. Even if I had a nightmare I would wake up and try to put my dream back together in my mind and I used to think about it the rest of the day. I know that I had nights were I didn't remember what I dreamt about but I never woke up like that. I just couldn't remember the dream. There was no panic, no crying, no loneliness, and worse, there was not one thought about not wanting to wake up ever again. I'm not proud of it, but in the beginning I thought about it. Going to bed crying and waking up even worse was really getting me down, if that was possible. And once or twice I thought that it would be good not to wake up at all. The thought never crossed that barrier, but yes, it existed.
This happened for months. I think the first night I had where I woke up without crying was in December. And it felt great. The first dream I remember having happened last week, the first night I slept in Afife since Fluffy died. I had stayed up late studying in the kitchen and I had a pretty bad time while doing it because it was normal for Fluffy to come downstairs and just lay in the table while I was studying and I was always expecting for her to come through the kitchen door and she never did. So I cried a lot and went to sleep feeling pretty bad. And I dreamt with her. She was in our garden, in the grass, she was running and she was sleeping in the sun like she loved and she seemed so calm, so happy. I woke up sad and the weekend was horrible but that dream gave me a peace of spirit that I didn't know I needed.
I want to start dreaming again. I want to go to bed and not be scared of my dreams. I just don't know how to do it.
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