Doctors

So I had my two appointments this week and I think they really went pretty well. I was nervous because some time had passed since my last appointment with the psychiatrist and I had a lot to tell him and some time had also passed since my last appointment with the psychologist and I didn't want to forget to tell him anything.

My appointment with the psychologist went really well. I told him everything I had to tell him. The first part of the appointment I just make a resume of what happened in my life since the last appointment. I told him that I thought my hormones were getting the best of me sometimes but he said it was normal, I told him about the two mini breakdowns I had on Monday and on Tuesday (I didn't write about them but on Monday after going to the gym I started crying a lot when I parked the car in my garage and on Tuesday I cried during the relaxing time on my body balance class). He didn't make a big deal out of it. He just said that I have to stop thinking that crying is a bad thing and that those moments must have been very liberating for me. And they were. It was like all the emotions I had accumulated were released in those moments. And the truth is that after that I felt better. I just told him that it bothered me that I didn't know the reason to be like that. He told me that sometimes we don't need just one reason. That there's a lot of factors and it was just one way for me to release all the tension of a big day. I told him of how I reacted to the news I received. And he talked about something that he had already talked about in the beginning of our sessions. He confronted about the fact that what's holding me to this is the idea of the relationship and not the person. That all this sadness I fell when I think about everything that happened is about the relationship. That I had this idea of how things were going to work out, that I pictured it differently than what it was. I know that I have overcome the feelings about the person and he agreed with me but I have to agree with him that now I need to let go of the idea of the relationship. Sometimes those thoughts still appear on my mind, not as often as before and not as intense, but they still appear. But what I feel now is just sadness. I don't feel that panic or that pain that I used to. I guess I can control my emotions about them, my reaction. I don't know if I'm making myself clear. It's hard to explain when you're not inside my head! He also said it was normal for me to have felt a little shocked when I got the news because to me it meant he was moving on and I'm stuck alone. And that's why all my self esteem issues appeared again at the time. He told me that everyone has them, that they're normal, but I make them bigger than they are and I let them have control of me. That if I'm able to control my emotions when I think about my relationship and about what happened, why I don't try to control these thoughts too? I have to be able to control them because I control the others. He said that I was so much better and that I just need to keep up with the work I'm doing. And he said that I'm a romantic! Step by step.

With the psychiatrist I talked about almost the same things I had talked about with the psychologist. I think we talked more about my low self esteem. About why I don't believe in myself and why I don't think I'm enough. He agreed with the psychologist about why I'm still holding on to all those memories. Because they also remind me of a time when I was much happier than what I am now, that I had someone that pushed me to do what I was afraid to do, that I had someone that believed in me. I told him that I'm feeling happier. Not as I was last year but I was starting to recognize myself again. He told me that I need to start seeing myself from above and not from bellow because I have so much more than what I think I have. That I'm so much more! I still have to take the antidepressant for another three months. I told him that I was scared of stopping taking them because I didn't know what was my doing and what was the antidepressant and he told me that he believes that now 75% is me and 25% is the antidepressant. That I still have work to do and that's why I still need the antidepressant to help balance all these peaks that I have. In the end he told me I'm a bit "Camiliana" (Camilo Castelo Branco was a portuguese writer and his works were predominantly romantic). It was his way of calling me a romantic!