Baggage

We all have baggage. Good baggage, bad baggage, both. Me? I have both, but the bad baggage is bigger. Or at least that's how I feel at the moment. I'm tired of it. I feel that this baggage is what keeps me from being happy, from living. And I don't know how to get rid of it. 

I thought it would be easy. I always did. I thought that time was going to help me get rid of it, it didn't. I thought the psychologist was going to help me, he didn't. And I guess that's the right way. I have to be the one that get rids of it, I just didn't quite figure it out yet. Time was never going to help. Time doesn't heal. Time just help us get a new perspective on things, it helps but it doesn't cure you. And this baggage? It needs to heal and I have to be the one doing it. 

The easy way out would be letting it stay there, just having it on my shoulders, but the problem is that I'm tired of it. I'm tired of having it and I'm tired of the weight it puts on my shoulders. In the past that was what I did and it never helped. I let things accumulate on it and look where it took me. No where. I don't like the place where I am at the moment and I'm finding very difficult to leave it. I'm really trying. 

It's not easy to live with you baggage because it's always a remembering of why you are the way you are, why you're suffering and why you're not happy, why you don't like yourself and why you have so low self-esteem. And while it's there you will always be remembered of these things. They will appear to you in the worst possible moments and they will make you balance and make not do things. They will make you want to stay put and make you just see life passing by. And it's horrible.

This baggage keeps me from taking chances, this baggage makes me not trust anyone, makes me feel less than everyone else and as a consequence makes me think that no one likes me, that people think I'm stupid and not an interesting person, that people really don't care about me, they are just being nice to me because they feel sorry for me, this baggage makes me think this of my friends and of my family. This baggage is keeping me from living my life and I really don't know what to do to get rid of it. I tried everything but it continues in the same place like a devil on your shoulder. The problem? I don't have an angel on the other one. At least I don't feel like I do. 

I want to be a person who take chances again. I want to be a person who trusts people again. I want to trust those around me. I want to believe that my friends and family really care about me and they don't feel sorry for me. I want to live my life and be happy. And while I know it's all up to me, I really don't know how to do it. So I'm asking for anyone's help. If you know what more I can do, please tell me. I'm really really desperate.