Time
I've been thinking a lot about a lot of things since this happened and I've came to the conclusion that time doesn't heal. Time helps you create a new perspective, it brings you peace, it helps, but it doesn't heal. That has to come from us. You have to be the one healing yourself. You have to have the right mindset for that to happen. You can't just give it time. You have to fight to get out of the hole you got yourself into. And that is something that only you can do it. You can have people by your side helping you but the effort has to come from you. And that's something I've learned this past year. I have to do things for me and not for the others. It's great to have someone you can lean on but it's also great when you know that you can do what you want on your own.
The feeling I had this past months it's a lot like when you're under water and you can see the light above you but you can't reach it. No matter how hard you try, how hard you swim, you never reach it. Now I have the feeling that I can come above and breathe. I'm still underwater but from time to time I can come above the water and breathe. And it feels so good. Time doesn't heal but it helps you change your perspective on things. Like when you're trying to read a book and it's close to your nose. You can't read anything, but as you get it away from your face you start to be able to read what's on the book. Because your perspective changed. That's what time does.
I'm loving getting to know myself again. Really, I'm loving that I've been able to surpass the challenges I propose to myself. And I feel so much capable of doing what I set myself to do. And I'm doing this for me. Not for someone else. Not because I want to prove someone that I can do it. It's just me. I still have a long path on my way, I know that. And I know that I still didn't find where I belong. That scares me a lot. Will I ever be able to find my place? Will I ever be able to feel that I belong somewhere? I don't know and I try not to think about it because it's one of those things that scare me a lot and that make me want to stay in bed in the morning. The fear of the unknown. It really scares me. I want to love someone, I want someone to love me for me and not for what they think I am or can be. I want someone that accepts me and that completes me. I miss being able to share my things. But that's not for now. When the time is right.
I think people now think that I'm okay because I don't cry (at least not in front of them) and I seem happier. But that's it. I seem happier. It doesn't mean that I am. I still feel sad, scared, lonely and abandoned. I just try to push those feelings away. I've learned to live with them and I think I've learned to accept them as something that maybe will always be here with me. I don't fight them. And I think that when I fought them it was when I felt worse. When I would cry forever and ever. I don't feel as helpless as I used to.
I know what I want in a short time period. I have an idea of who I want to be. Of who I am. And I'm starting to accept me for what I am and not for what others want me to be. And I do think that's important. I know what I want and I'm really fighting to get there.
I've learned that I'm still here even with everything that pulls me down. I have this strength inside me that I didn't know I had and that helps me get back on my feet everytime I fall down. And with time I got to know this strength and she's my best friend. She's the one that makes me get out of the bed every morning. She's the one that makes me go to Porto every week. She's the one that makes me go to college every day. And she's the one that's helping me fighting my fears. And, even with all the steps back of the last couple of weeks, I really think we're doing a great job. I really think we're going to get to the light at the end of the tunnel, to get out of the water and breathe again, for a long period of time. I just need to be patient and I still need to accept that things don't happen overnight. That I need to wait to have results. And that I need to fight for those results.
The feeling I had this past months it's a lot like when you're under water and you can see the light above you but you can't reach it. No matter how hard you try, how hard you swim, you never reach it. Now I have the feeling that I can come above and breathe. I'm still underwater but from time to time I can come above the water and breathe. And it feels so good. Time doesn't heal but it helps you change your perspective on things. Like when you're trying to read a book and it's close to your nose. You can't read anything, but as you get it away from your face you start to be able to read what's on the book. Because your perspective changed. That's what time does.
I'm loving getting to know myself again. Really, I'm loving that I've been able to surpass the challenges I propose to myself. And I feel so much capable of doing what I set myself to do. And I'm doing this for me. Not for someone else. Not because I want to prove someone that I can do it. It's just me. I still have a long path on my way, I know that. And I know that I still didn't find where I belong. That scares me a lot. Will I ever be able to find my place? Will I ever be able to feel that I belong somewhere? I don't know and I try not to think about it because it's one of those things that scare me a lot and that make me want to stay in bed in the morning. The fear of the unknown. It really scares me. I want to love someone, I want someone to love me for me and not for what they think I am or can be. I want someone that accepts me and that completes me. I miss being able to share my things. But that's not for now. When the time is right.
I think people now think that I'm okay because I don't cry (at least not in front of them) and I seem happier. But that's it. I seem happier. It doesn't mean that I am. I still feel sad, scared, lonely and abandoned. I just try to push those feelings away. I've learned to live with them and I think I've learned to accept them as something that maybe will always be here with me. I don't fight them. And I think that when I fought them it was when I felt worse. When I would cry forever and ever. I don't feel as helpless as I used to.
I know what I want in a short time period. I have an idea of who I want to be. Of who I am. And I'm starting to accept me for what I am and not for what others want me to be. And I do think that's important. I know what I want and I'm really fighting to get there.
I've learned that I'm still here even with everything that pulls me down. I have this strength inside me that I didn't know I had and that helps me get back on my feet everytime I fall down. And with time I got to know this strength and she's my best friend. She's the one that makes me get out of the bed every morning. She's the one that makes me go to Porto every week. She's the one that makes me go to college every day. And she's the one that's helping me fighting my fears. And, even with all the steps back of the last couple of weeks, I really think we're doing a great job. I really think we're going to get to the light at the end of the tunnel, to get out of the water and breathe again, for a long period of time. I just need to be patient and I still need to accept that things don't happen overnight. That I need to wait to have results. And that I need to fight for those results.
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