Acceptance

If anything good could come out of this depression one of those things was the acceptance that I can't do nothing about what I can't control. One of the things I've always struggled about was the fact that I would never accept things that didn't work out the way I wanted them to work out. I think that is one of the reasons that made me get to this point. 

I was always one of those persons that suffers by anticipation (I've said this before - here) and that's horrible. You can never enjoy things because you're always too nervous with what is going to happen or with what can happen. You're anxious about the end of the trip that you don't enjoy the trip itself, and worse, you suffer through the trip. 

With the psychologist I started to learn that I had to change that. That I can't control other people's actions, only mine and I had to accept that. If I could accept that I would take a big step forward. And in the beginning it was really hard. I fought against it because I didn't thought I could do it. Deep inside me I knew the problem existed. I knew that I had to do something about it. I was aware that maybe if I wasn't like this I wouldn't had suffer so much last year. Because I fought a lot against  the actions and beliefs of someone else and maybe if I didn't, if I had accepted them from the beginning, I wouldn't had suffer. I'm not saying I wouldn't have the depression because I know now that I was on my way to it no matter what, but the pain I felt? The broken heart? Maybe it would never happened. But I will never know and no matter what I was very happy during that time! 

I tried to start changing the way I reacted to what was happening around me and that in the past would affect me. I thought I wasn't doing it correctly until last week. Last week something happened that hurt me a lot, that made me sway, that made me think that I was going to go back to the hole again. But then something happened. I was suffering (I still am) but I feel this acceptance inside me that I don't think I would feel if it wasn't for my appointments with the psychologist.

I really think I'm accepting that I can't control other people's actions, only mine. And that if somebody wants to stay mad at me and doesn't want to talk I have to accept that. I can't make someone talk to me. I can't make someone try to understand me. Even if that breaks me and is making me suffer a lot. I know what I did and what I said. My conscience is clean and I feel like there's nothing I can do at the moment. So, instead of suffering because I want to make things right, I'm accepting that I can't because it's not something that I control. I can't control someone else reaction to things so I have to accept it and move on. And maybe one day things will be better. And if they don't? I made everything I could to make them better. The ball is on the other side.