Others

Welcome to day number twelve on our challenge! And today's question is: Is what others think of me really important?

It used to be a lot, it still is a little and is decreasing with time. 

I noticed that it was important or that at least it had an effect on me when I started my PhD. I was more aware of what I was going to say, what I was going to do and my actions were a lot controlled by what I thought others thought of me. But the thing is you stop being yourself. One day I realized that there were two "Teresas", one at work and one in my real life. They were both me but the work one was more controlled than the other one and the real one. And it's hard to live like this. 

Most of my time is spent at work so I was always controlling me and the effect of that on me was very negative. I was always thinking if I said something wrong, if I did something wrong. And I started feeling like the other me was cloistered. 

With the depression I decided to start being me at work. Little by little. Not arriving there one day and be all crazy! And step by step I think I'm getting there. When I go out with them I am the same Teresa that goes out with their friends, I've been inviting them more to concerts and things that I like to do. I'm really trying to be myself with them and not such a controlled person. 

Will they like me? I don't know. But did they liked the other one? I also don't know. But I'm trying not to think if they like me or not, or if I should have said or made something different. I am who I am and I shouldn't have to change for others to like me. My friends like me for who I am and they accept me this way, why it needs to be different with others? Why did I felt that I had to change, that I had to be different, for them to like me? Because I gave too much importance to what others thought of me. If I hand't I wouldn't had the necessity of changing who I am. 

I used to believe that what others thought of me was really important but I've been finding out that what I think of me is what it's really important. I'm the one that lives with me! And what I think of me is going to influence all my life, all my choices and all my actions. So I've been focusing more on this now. I'm the one that has to love me and accept me. That's the important thing.