Mistakes

Here we are at the 10th day of the challenge. So far it's been a good thing for me. It's not that I'm finding new things about myself but I'm addressing them even though I'd addressed most of them here.

Today's question is: What have been my biggest mistakes so far and what can I learn about them?

I don't consider this a big mistake but I guess it can be: I now believe I should have ended my 10 year relationship a lot sooner than I did. I still have that feeling of lost time when I think about it. Things weren't okay for a while and I was miserable but because of everything that he did I stayed with him. I wish I had been stronger earlier but I wasn't. I guess things worked out the way they had to in the end. But it's one of those things that I think I would change if I could and that's one of the reasons it could be considered a big mistake. I learnt that I'm stronger, than I ever thought, that I am not the person he said I was. I'm so much better, so much more than that. And in the end I started to love the person that I was. Until last year. 

But I believe that my biggest mistake was (and still is a little) no believing in myself. I always think less of me. I never trust my feelings and I never trust the decisions I make. I'm learning now how to believe in me, how to trust in me. But is hard. It's hard for you to start trusting someone you never trusted. It's the same way as it would be with other person. When you don't trust someone for some reason, when you stop believing someone, it's hard for you to start trusting again. And it works exactly the same way with yourself. If there's something that makes you don't trust in yourself it's hard to start trusting again. And I'm learning how to start trusting in me. And it's hard. So much harder than it seems. 

I guess that I can learn that by not trusting in me I make things harder for myself. Everything is harder when the person you least trust is you because it's you against you. You're fighting with yourself in the end and your worst enemy is you. This all seems stupid but this is what happens inside my head. 

I think I've made more big mistakes in my life I just can't remember them at the moment, but these two I think I can say are my biggest mistakes. And are the ones still affecting my life.