Self esteem

I know I'm not perfect and I don't want to be, but I also know that there's a lot I need to change. I need to change this things because they are tying me down. They are what's holding me down and that's why I need to change them But it's been hard. I can't seem to find a way to change this things. It's like I'm stuck and I don't know where to go. I don't know what to do.

I think that my complete lack of self esteem is the biggest problem I've been fighting at the moment. It's the thing I want to change more. I want to believe in me, I want to like me. And I know that the person that's setting me down it's me. The problem when you don't believe in yourself is that you show that to others. You're always insecure. I don't think I'm pretty, I don't think I'm smart, I don't think I'm interesting. I believe no one will ever like me because of all of this. And I know that because I believe in these things I show this to others. And I want so much to believe in me. I do. I just don't know how to do it. I've tried. I did but everytime that something happens that shakes my confidence it all comes down. 

Things seemed easier when I felt I had someone that believed in me. But that didn't work the problem out. It just masked it. And in the end it was one of the things that pulled me to my knees. And it has been hard to get up again. And while I've been feeling better, deep down I know I still have a lot to do. I feel that I still have a long path to walk to get to a better place. And I need to start with my confidence. I need to start listening to what others tell me and interiorize that they are not telling me that just because they are being nice to me (because this is always my first thought). I need to interiorize that maybe that's the truth. I need to interiorize that I'm pretty, that I'm smart, that I'm enough. I need to like me.

Everything is so scary now. It always was to me. I always feel that I'm not capable of doing things. I felt that all the time through college and I still feel this now while doing the PhD. It's so scary. And I want to do so many things. But I'm scared. I'm scared of failing, I'm scared of not being able to do them. Playing bass? I was so scared. Because I though I wasn't going to be good at it. I still don't. But I'm trying. And I want to do so much things with it. But I don't even let myself dream with them because I'm scared. Because I feel I won't be able to do them, that I'm not good enough. 

I know all of this seems a stupid thing to someone that is confident. But you don't know how hard it is to believe in yourself when you never did or when you stopped a long time ago. I believed so much in me when I was 15 or 16. I had the world on my hand. Between then and now I lost myself. And I want so much to find me. 

In the end I need to do what cares me because the thing that scares me the most will be the thing that will set me free.