Past

I think that I have already talked about this, but in the past days I've been thinking a lot about this. I've been thinking about what could have I done to prevent being here where I am now. To prevent all of these things that I've gone through in the past months. Could I have prevented something? And if I could, would I do it? Or would I do everything all over again the same way?

I don't have an answer to these questions I just can say what I might do or don't. I know in my heart that I would give anything to change a lot of things. I would give anything just to be able to say good bye to my grandparents, to João, to Mário. Last week I was going through my facebook and I found a comment from Mário in one of my pics and he had made that comment just two days before he died. My heart broke. And I felt so bad because I didn't reply like I should at the time. I was suffering a lot in August and I just didn't reply as I think I should. I feel guilty about it. As feel guilty because I know I didn't talk to him as I should the last time he called me when I was in England. My heart had just been broken and at the time I just wanted to be left alone. I try not to think about this. But this I know I would change of I could. In a heartbeat. 

The rest I don't know. I feel in my heart that some things from a previous relationship could have been prevented. I know that that relationship should have ended a lot sooner than it did. But I wasn't strong enough. I was with somebody that was constantly throwing me down, that was always saying that I wasn't enough, that I wasn't worth anything, that no one liked me, not even my parents or my brother. Someone that somehow was able to put inside me the idea that I was going to be alone if it wasn't for him. That he was the only one that loved me. And that I was hard to love, that it was hard for someone to like me. And when you believe in the things you're being told it's hard to make the cut. I truly believed in what he was saying. I truly believed that I didn't have any kind of worth and that I was going to be a nobody if it wasn't for him. I know your question is going to be how you keep up with someone like that. How you keep up with someone that in two years (out of ten) was able to isolate you from you closest friends. It's hard to explain. I've talked about my self esteem problems and when you don't have no self esteem you believe in what you're being told. Because you truly believe that the person who's saying these things loves you. How was I able to be with someone that would controlled me more than my parents? Who never asked me how my PhD classes were going but would always ask me who I had had lunch with and who was seated on my side. With someone that never made a compliment about all the things that I liked. On the contrary, only had bad things to say about them. I can't explain and now I can see how low my self esteem was at the time. I felt so free when I left him. I felt that I could breath again. But I can see that I never recovered from all the things he said to me because I still believe in them. I still believe that no one will like me, I still believe that I'm not enough, that I'm not pretty, that I'm not smart. And I think that I could have prevented all of this if I had been more strong at the time. But I wasn't. And maybe, if all of this hadn't happened, I would never gone through what I did this past year. But I don't know.

Contrary to what I've said before, I don't think I would change what happened this past year. I think I'm accepting things as they were now. And this will only make me stronger and able to face things. And the truth is that everything I ever did brought me here where I am at the moment. I just have to accept that.