Nervous

This week I'm going to have appointments with both my psychologist and psychiatrist on the same day. I have to say I'm, as usual, nervous about them. For different reasons. 

I know my appointment with the psychologist is going to be hard. Now that I only have appointments once per month every appointment is very emotional because I have one month of "things" to talk about. And this month a lot has happened and even though I've been feeling better, I don't know If I'm only fooling myself into thinking it. Is it possible? Maybe. I really don't know. But I do believe that when you want something so hard you might start believing in it. And sometimes I think about this. I think if it's possible that I'm not okay and I'm just fooling myself into thinking that I am. Because when I think about somethings I still feel that everything that made me get to this is still here. I just don't feel them so strong, but everything still lives inside me. And it's been hard to get rid of all of these things. Maybe it's like phone batteries. They run out very quickly but the last 10% goes for a long time! I still feel that I need to get away from all of this. That feeling is so strong inside me. It's horrible. I always feel out of place. The feeling of not belonging is huge and it's getting bigger. I really thought it was going to get smaller as I got better, but it has been the contrary. It's getting worse. Not even at home I'm okay. Not even there I feel that I belong. I have this need inside me and I really don't know what to do with it. And how do I know I'll be in the right place? And it's a place what I need? Is it someone? How do I know? This is something that's always in my head and that it doesn't go away. And it's something that makes me feel completely lost. And I know that it's making me isolate myself, that makes me want to be alone even if I'm feeling lonely.

With the psychiatrist I know that I'm also going to talk about all of this plus the antidepressant. I'm scared of stopping taking them. And if he tells me that maybe it's a good idea to start stopping taking them, I'm going to have to tell him that I don't feel ready. And the problem is that I don't feel ready but I also think I want to stop taking them but I'm scared of doing it. Because of all the things I've already said here. I really don't know if I feel better because of the antidepressant and if it's the antidepressant that is making me fool myself! Am I making sense?! Maybe not! It's hard, sometimes (or most of times), to take all of the things I had inside my head and write them. It's so hard. 

Anyway! Bottom line is: I'm nervous! I know I'm going to cry, I know I'm going to get very emotional and I don't like it. When you're on the appointments you have to be brutally honest about yourself and about your feelings. And it's not easy at all. And sometimes they make you these really hard questions that make you question everything. Don't get me wrong, they are both so sweet and they support every decision I make, but sometimes, those questions hit me like a punch on the stomach and that's why on the next day after the appointments I always feel worse. I always cry a lot. Because they make me think about things that I never though about or even dreamed of thinking about.