Happy?!_2

Even though I still feel all the negative things about me, I also feel that I'm really getting better. I'm always scared of saying this because I always fear that I'll go back to the start, but I can't deny that with everyday that passes I've been feeling lighter and I've been happier. Don't get me wrong. The negativity, the lack of self esteem, the loneliness? They are all still here but I guess I've been getting used to them or I was able to get past them and start living. 

I can say I've been happier because I'm starting to notice little things about me. Things that I used to do one year ago and that I didn't do since August. I've been more playful at home, I've been joking at home. In the last months, at home, I used to be always in my room and was only with my family when eating. Now I'm starting to watch tv with my mom again and I've been working more in the kitchen (where I always loved to study) and I even try to watch more tv there. Even with my cats I notice that I'm different. I've been playing with them more instead of only lying in bed cuddling with them. I also been singing more (that's the bad news for everyone else!) and I've been listening to more music at home and in the car! This is something new! It's still only Capitão Fausto but I'm not going to complain. I've been trying to listen to Nirvana and Foo Fighters in the middle and it has been working on! 

Going to the gym is something that I've been doing more! And I want to go! This is also new! In the last few months I would only go because I made myself go. It was an obligation. Now I want to go and I'm enjoying again the time I spent there. 

It's like up until now I had only clouds above me. Really dark clouds and everything around me was dark and ugly. And now they are starting to dissipate and I'm starting to see light again and things are starting to be beautiful again. 

But I've been careful. I'm really afraid of believing that I'm really getting better. I don't want to believe in it and then it was only a phase. I really don't. And I'm also afraid that most of this is only because of the antidepressant. I don't know what part it plays in all of this and I'm scared that when I stop taking it everything will go back to darkness and ugliness again. 

So I've been trying to enjoy the place where I am now. Even if there's only one little thought inside my head saying all of this is just a phase and that I don't deserve to be happy and won't ever be.