Feeling

I've been thinking about my approach with feelings. My normal thought this past months was that I didn't want to feel anything. I just wanted to be able to turn the feeling switch to the off position. But it's impossible. You can't just stop feeling. And feeling is what makes you live. Feeling is what makes you take the next step. Even if you're hurting, even if that feeling is only pain. It was for me. It was the immense pain that I was feeling, the pain that made me just want to lay in my bed for two months, that pain was what made me ask for help. It was that pain that made me reach for my mom and tell her that I wasn't able to deal with the pain alone. 

Even acknowledging that feelings were what made me try to live again, I still wanted to shut everything down because this would only bring me memories I just wanted to forget (and still do when I'm on my worst) everything and I thought that when I stopped feeling that it would happen! Guess what? It doesn't! You can't turn anything off! 

So I've been learning to live with these feelings. I've been trying to accept them and to make them part of my life again. I can't wait for a savior to come to help me. It's just me. myself and I against the world. I've been learning how to take things to the heart and not letting them hurt me as they did before. Because I'm still afraid of being hurt again. The memory is still fresh. That's why I built the walls around me. That's why I still can't trust anyone with my feelings. I've been accepting these feelings but I'm not ready to share them with anyone! 

It's hard to start everything all over again. It's hard to feel again. There will always be that fear inside you. That fear that tells you that you will be hurt again. The thing is, you have to try. You have to start trusting people and you have to take the chance. People are going to hurt you in so many ways throughout your life. You can't live in a bubble. It's impossible. I'm starting to try and live again. Even with this fear inside me. I have to take a chance. I have to live again. I'm so tired of being like this. So, I fight, I kick, I scream and I feel. And that's good. It's good to take things to the heart. It's good to feel, because feel gives me power. And it's that feeling that makes me aware that the savior of whom I am waiting it's me. If you're feeling you know you're alive. The only way to stop feeling is dying and that's not an option for me. So I just have to feel. Even if it's a bad thing.