Birthday

So my birthday it's at the end of next week and I'm really nervous about it. I'm not going to celebrate it. I don't feel like. I don't feel like I have reasons to celebrate it. This year (between April 2018 and April 2019) was a year to forget. I still feel it. And, in my mind, everything started to change around the time of my birthday of last year. At least that's when I can find all the signs that I wasn't okay and that's when I made some decisions that change a lot my life at the time. I was so happy on my birthday last year. I truly felt happy, like I didn't in a long time. And I just don't want to remember things. I'm still hurt and all of those things are still sad to me. So I just want to be left alone on my birthday. I know it's not going to be possible because my family will want to do something so I'm having a debate with myself on wether I tell them that I really don't want to do anything or if I put my head high and go have dinner with them or something. 

Even though the feelings aren't here it's still painful to think about all of it. Why is it painful? Why all the memories still hurt? I guess is not about the person, it's about the idea of things. It's hard to explain. But that still hurts and that still makes me see that my heart is still a little bit broken even though the feelings for the person are gone. It's all so confusing. So I avoid remember things. I know I shouldn't but I avoid it and I don't care. But, when I think about them it doesn't hurt like it used to. In the past the pain was horrible, it was like something was crushing my heart and I would feel it in all my body. But know I just feel sad, not pain, and all the negative thoughts about me appear. But is that a step forward? I think so. I really think so. Even if I still feel sad and all the other things, I don't feel the pain. And like I've said before it's only because I felt really happy back then. And I made the association between those moments and happiness, and now when I think about them I feel sad because I don't feel that happy. And I want to be happy. I really do. 

My friends already asked me if I'm going to do something and MJ and PP even told me that they could come and meet me in Porto and have dinner with me. They were so sweet. Juca also told me that he wants to do something because it's my birthday! But I told them that for now I don't want to do anything. I'm only going to Capitão Fausto's concert with my brother and his girlfriend and some friends. And I really don't see that as a birthday party or something like that. It's two days before my birthday, but I guess it's going to be the closest thing to a birthday party.

If I could I would fast forward all the month of April.