Tired

Last week I had a couple of rough days. I felt so down that that everything I have accumulated in recent times exploded and I just couldn't control it. It happened, as always, in college and, as always, I started crying for no apparent reason. This time I went to the bathroom and I tried really hard to control myself, but I'm one of those that just can't hide it. My eyes get really swollen and I can't hide it. 

I talked with a friend and I calm down but after lunch my mom called me and for my voice she was able to see that I wasn't okay and I had a mini meltdown on the phone with her. After her phone call my best friend called me to tell me some news about my god daughter and he was could also tell that I wasn't okay so I started crying again. The problem when I'm on these days is that I just can't control myself. I start crying and I can't stop. And then I cry more because I can't stop and I get frustrated with myself. 

I hate crying and, specially, I hate crying in college. I hate that everyone can see that I'm fragile and I hate that everyone thinks that I'm like that because of someone. I'm not like that because of someone. I'm like that because of a lot of things, but mainly because of me. I'm the one that drags me down. I'm the one that can't get rid of the bad thoughts of the pessimism. I'm the one that can't see the good things, that everytime something good happens just see the bad part of it. I'm the one that doesn't trust anyone and that doesn't believe in good in people. I'm my worst enemy. Sometimes I wish I was like this because of someone else. That way I could have someone to put all my anger. I could blame all of this on that person. But I can't! I can only blame myself and, honestly, I think I do that very well because that's the reason I'm like this. 

On that day I had my 911 (aka Juca) on the other side of my phone worried about me and doing his best to calm me down. And he did a pretty good job. He made me laugh and he made me think of other things. 

I know that when I'm like this I can be pretty unfair and I can give not so nice answers to people. But the thing is that when I'm like this I feel that I'm in a dark tunnel and I can't see anything and I get so scared, I feel so lonely and I tend to be unfair to the ones that are only worried with me. I try not to but I know I do it. 

I'm tired. I'm really tired of feeling like this. Sometimes I feel that for every step forward I take, I take one step back. I don't know if it's my pessimism or if this is really what's happening, but it's what I feel. And most of the times when I feel happy I feel that's just some fleeting thing. And I'm tired of feeling sad. I really accepted sadness but it's really tiring to feel like that everytime. So I put this cover and sometimes I just can't keep that cover. And that was what happened last week. It's really hard to get out of the bed most days and I don't think that other people realize this. They don't realize the struggle it is for people with mental illness to keep up with their days. It's hard. everyday it's a fight and sometimes you just get tired. And almost no one understands that and they think that they know why I'm crying. They don't and they don't care because they don't listen to what I have to say. And to protect myself I started building walls and only a few people are inside those walls.