Somewhere I belong
My psychiatrist said something in my last appointment that got stuck in my head. That I still haven't found where I belong. That there's where this feeling of not belonging that I have comes from.
And I've been thinking about it a lot. How can I find that? Will I ever find it? How do I know I did find it. I think the answer to the last question might be easy. I think I'll know inside me when that happens. At least I want to believe that. I've already felt a lot about somethings and I wasn't quite right about them.
Sometimes when you want something and you get it that something doesn't turn out to be as you expected. Sometimes you create this idea in your head about it and when you reach it you feel disappointed because it doesn't happen or it 's not as you had imagined.
I've always felt misplaced. That I don't belong nowhere and I always thought that it was my problem and that I had to get through it. Last year I felt that I belonged somewhere. But now I think if that was the feeling you have when you know it's right or if it was just something that I thought.
I really want to find that I fit somewhere. This feeling of not belonging is so uncomfortable. And I tend to build my walls and to not let anyone in because I feel that I don't belong in these places or with these people. And when I let someone in I always get hurt. So I've been learning that it's better to keep things to myself. Even if it's hard. Or even if it's the wrong thing to do.
When I went to Rome in November last year I felt what I always feel when I'm there. That someway I belong there. That I feel so much happier there than when compared when I feel when I'm here in Portugal. But the truth is that when I'm there I don't have my problems. I'm far aways from everything that makes me sad and that makes me pain. Even if I'm my worst enemy being away from everything is always good.
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