Negativity

This post is something I've written a few weeks ago but it stayed on drafts because it was more of a rant than a post. But I've thought about it and I think I should post it because it was something that I really needed to write at the time and, even though I'm not this angry or that I don't think like this now, this is something I still think about. This was written on a "bad day" and on those days I tend to be very negative and pessimist. My trust in people is very low on those days and the negative part in me tends to win the battle. So I thought I should share this with you for you to see why my "bad days" are so bad sometimes. When you're having these thoughts, they only make you feel worse. That's why I try to control them and I try not to let them win. Because when I do, I turn into someone that I don't like at all, and this is why I didn't post it at the time too. I really don't like the person that wrote this that much, but it's part of me, at least when I'm down.

"Even with all this time that has passed I still didn't learn about expectations. I still expecto more from others. I still trust too much in people. They break your heart in one way, you trust them and then they break your heat in another way. And you still trust them? I do! And I feel so stupid. I feel so weak. If those people don't care about you, if they break you in various ways what does that say about you if you keep letting them do that to you? 

What hurts more than a broken heart out of love? A broken heart out of friendship. And mine has been broken over and over by that in the past month. And I keep letting these things happen to me. I keep letting people in. I should have learnt by now that if someone hurts you once they can pretty much hurt you again. So, this time, I'm really going to build walls around me. I have to. I need to start listen to my head and not my heart. I need to lower my expectations on people. Because this only brings disappointment and hurt. And I'm tired of being hurt. Specially by me. Because I'm not learning from my mistakes. Not in this. And I keep hurting me over and over again. Because I let others come to close when I know I shouldn't. Because I still trust people I know I shouldn't. I always have this part in me that wants to believe that everyone is good. But some people aren't. Some people just use you. It's hard to face that.

"Se tens um coração de ferro, bom proveito. O meu, fizeram-no de carne e sangra todo dia."

José Saramago in "A segunda vida de Francisco de Assis"

It's pretty negative and maybe a little unfair. I really thought a lot about whether I should post this or not, but as I said above, I think I should because it shows how my negativity and pessimism can cloud my judgement. Negativity is very powerful, at least to me, and if you let it, it can take over you and make you be unfair. And when it wins, it makes me think of these things. This thoughts only make me feel worse. They don't help me at all. That's why sometimes I write them and don't post them. Because that's a way I can take them out of my mind and look at them from another perspective. I never posted this because, even though this has a little bit of truth in it, it is not how I truly, truly feel. I don't know if you understand it. I hope you do and I hope you can see why I chose to post this.