Loneliness

Even though I'm better, it's still hard sometimes. Sometimes I still want to get away from all of this. I don't know where to go, I just feel this urge inside me of leaving everything behind. That maybe if I leave all of this I will get better. I know that's not how it works. I have to face all of my problems and work them. I can't opt for the easy way out as tempting as it sounds. 

What scares me the most is the loneliness I still feel sometimes. It's this feeling that comes out of nowhere and controls me. It's so scaring. I feel completely alone. I don't cry as I used to when this used to happen but I get so sad. And I have this urge to text all my friends for them to keep me company. I try not to because when I'm like this I always think that no one wants to talk to me. That no one likes me. I know that's not true and I have this thoughts less and less often but sometimes I can't control them. What I try to do is try to control the bad thoughts and think about happy things. It's easier now more than it used to. I guess that's a step forward. 

I really think that all these thoughts, all these fears I have come from my low self-esteem. I'm working on that and I think I'm having some positive results but it's still there and sometimes it still controls me and affects me. It affects my personal life and my work. I doubt myself everytime I do something. Everytime I say something. It makes me remember over and over again conversations I had to see if there was something I said that was a bad thing, a stupid thing a dumb thing. This is tiring and psychologically is exhausting. Imagine remembering over and over again all the conversations you had in one day. 

I'm trying to surpass all of this without turning to my psychologist. Now that I only have appointments once a month I have to do things by myself and not be scared. And I have to believe in myself. More than anything.