Lack of memory
I've been thinking about the months where up until now I was worse (August, September, October, November and December) and I've noticed that I don't remember the majority of those times. It's like something erased all of those memories.
When I think about those times it's like all of those months are just one week. Like they were all combined and everything that I did back then just didn't happened. I remember major things, things that I've done that were important or that had some effect on me (most of them negative) but then, nothing. That is scary. I always thought that I had good memory, I normally remember almost everything I've done and when I've done it. In this case there was a blank space. I only could remember little episodes, little things. The rest was just vague.
I know I shouldn't stress about this, but this just shows me how bad I was. I tend to think to myself that maybe I wasn't as bad as I thought, that maybe I was just exaggerating. It is true that both the psychiatrist and the psychologist told me that I wasn't well and that I had depression, but I don't know, I still don't like to think how low I was. How low I let myself get. How low I still am. Because even though I've been feeling better I know that I'm not better. I notice the ups and downs that I have, the pain I still feel inside me and the loneliness I feel. I still know how bad I think of myself, how I still think that I'm not enough and how I still don't believe in me. I do know that I still have a long path to walk.
When my mom had her nervous break down she forgot more or less three months of her life. Completely. She forgot what she did, where she went, everything. And I remember that during those times we would be watching tv together and sometimes there we were watching an episode we had already watched two days ago and she was watching it as it was the first time! She didn't remember that she had already watched it. That scared me a lot. I can still remember things I've watched, but honestly, I'm re-watching a tv show binge watched in August and I don't remember most of the episodes. I do remember best the times I spent in Rome but I don't remember at all the days I spent in Norwich in September. Nothing.
All of this is scary, but I try not to think about it. I try to just accept it and let things go as they have to go. But try to think and see how you would feel if you couldn't remember three or four months of your life.
When I think about those times it's like all of those months are just one week. Like they were all combined and everything that I did back then just didn't happened. I remember major things, things that I've done that were important or that had some effect on me (most of them negative) but then, nothing. That is scary. I always thought that I had good memory, I normally remember almost everything I've done and when I've done it. In this case there was a blank space. I only could remember little episodes, little things. The rest was just vague.
I know I shouldn't stress about this, but this just shows me how bad I was. I tend to think to myself that maybe I wasn't as bad as I thought, that maybe I was just exaggerating. It is true that both the psychiatrist and the psychologist told me that I wasn't well and that I had depression, but I don't know, I still don't like to think how low I was. How low I let myself get. How low I still am. Because even though I've been feeling better I know that I'm not better. I notice the ups and downs that I have, the pain I still feel inside me and the loneliness I feel. I still know how bad I think of myself, how I still think that I'm not enough and how I still don't believe in me. I do know that I still have a long path to walk.
When my mom had her nervous break down she forgot more or less three months of her life. Completely. She forgot what she did, where she went, everything. And I remember that during those times we would be watching tv together and sometimes there we were watching an episode we had already watched two days ago and she was watching it as it was the first time! She didn't remember that she had already watched it. That scared me a lot. I can still remember things I've watched, but honestly, I'm re-watching a tv show binge watched in August and I don't remember most of the episodes. I do remember best the times I spent in Rome but I don't remember at all the days I spent in Norwich in September. Nothing.
All of this is scary, but I try not to think about it. I try to just accept it and let things go as they have to go. But try to think and see how you would feel if you couldn't remember three or four months of your life.
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