Returning
In the last week I've been feeling again that I'm not enough and that I won't make it. I've been wanting to stay in my room and never get out. And just the thought of having to return to Porto is making me worse. I need to relativize this, and I'm trying! Trust me. This days at home have been so good. Even if I'm not feeling better, I'm calm. And I'm making plans. I just don't want to go back to Porto. If I could I would stay here forever. But I need to go. I need to work. I need to finish my PhD and move on with my life. I already accepted that! I just need to make the jump for it. And that's the hard part. I need to get out of the bubble I lived during the holidays. But it's so good inside this bubble. I don't have to face the real world. But I need to get out of it.
I know I'm always saying that I need to live my life, but in this past few weeks I felt I've lived it. I made plans, I went out with friends and I was happy. Even if it was just for a few days. I was happy. And what costs so much it's when you experience happiness again and then all the sadness you thought had went away returns. All the fears, all the negative thoughts about yourself, all the things that make you think you're not enough, you're not pretty enough, you're not interesting enough, you're not smart enough, return. And it's so hard to fight them. It's so hard to make yourself believe in yourself again. But I've been fighting them. I've been. I know it doesn't seem that I am, but I am. I don't know how to show you that I am. You just have to believe in me. To trust me.
So I'm going to be strong as have been until now and I'm going to pack my bags and I'm going to Porto. And I'm going to live my life there. I have to. I'm not going to do the easy thing and stay at home crying and feel sorry for myself. I never felt sorry for myself (even though you may think so), so I'm not going to start now. I refuse. I don't know if it's the best for me but I know that's what I have to do now. I have to be strong.
And once again I need to thank my cousin. He's the one that's always telling me that I can do it when I just want to quit. He's the one that has been giving me the push I need to not quit. He´s the one I can tell everything because I know he won't judge me ever. Sometimes when I tell my friends how I feel I feel that they are judging me. And I feel that they don't get me no matter how hard I try to explain to them how I feel most of the times. With Tiago it's different. I feel that he really tries to understand what I'm going through and he really tries to give me the best advices. He doesn't just say that I'm going to get better. He says what I need to hear. Not what he thinks I need to hear. Those are two different things. And most of my friends, even though I know they say things from a good place, they say what they think I need to hear.
I know I'm always saying that I need to live my life, but in this past few weeks I felt I've lived it. I made plans, I went out with friends and I was happy. Even if it was just for a few days. I was happy. And what costs so much it's when you experience happiness again and then all the sadness you thought had went away returns. All the fears, all the negative thoughts about yourself, all the things that make you think you're not enough, you're not pretty enough, you're not interesting enough, you're not smart enough, return. And it's so hard to fight them. It's so hard to make yourself believe in yourself again. But I've been fighting them. I've been. I know it doesn't seem that I am, but I am. I don't know how to show you that I am. You just have to believe in me. To trust me.
So I'm going to be strong as have been until now and I'm going to pack my bags and I'm going to Porto. And I'm going to live my life there. I have to. I'm not going to do the easy thing and stay at home crying and feel sorry for myself. I never felt sorry for myself (even though you may think so), so I'm not going to start now. I refuse. I don't know if it's the best for me but I know that's what I have to do now. I have to be strong.
And once again I need to thank my cousin. He's the one that's always telling me that I can do it when I just want to quit. He's the one that has been giving me the push I need to not quit. He´s the one I can tell everything because I know he won't judge me ever. Sometimes when I tell my friends how I feel I feel that they are judging me. And I feel that they don't get me no matter how hard I try to explain to them how I feel most of the times. With Tiago it's different. I feel that he really tries to understand what I'm going through and he really tries to give me the best advices. He doesn't just say that I'm going to get better. He says what I need to hear. Not what he thinks I need to hear. Those are two different things. And most of my friends, even though I know they say things from a good place, they say what they think I need to hear.
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