New Year
So here it is the New Year! I never wanted a New Year so bad like I want this one! I know it's stupid because it's not going to change anything but it feels like this book is ending and it's time to start a new one. You know? Time to turn the page and start a new one. A blank one.
This year things may have been hard but it taught me a lot. I think the most important thing that it taught me is that I am strong. I'm stronger than what I thought I was. I just need to believe in me. And I'm still learning to do that. I can do things on my own. I don't need anyone. If things are easy when you have someone by your side that believes in you and pushes you to do things? They are. But we also need to do things by ourselves.
It's hard for me to do a balance of 2018. It started great but it didn't end the way I thought it would. It was not the worst year of my life (I'll leave that to 2010, 2011 and 2012!) But it's for sure on top 3! But it was also a good year. That's why it's so hard for me. And this week I've been thinking a lot about how I felt last year around this time and the difference is enormous. I was so confident that 2018 was going to be my year. I was so confident about myself, I felt really happy. I was truly happy, Now I feel that I'm happy sometimes, not always. And that most of the times I have to pretend that I'm happy because I feel that people are tired of me. And it's so exhaustive. I can't let myself say that 2019 is going to be better than 2018 because I'm scared. I really thought 2018 was going to be great and look how it turned out. I just can wish that 2019 is going to be at least good. I'm feeling very negative today.
In 2019 I really want to keep practicing bass as I am right now. I think I've been evolving very well and it's been a very good thing to me. It distracts me of my thoughts and it's 2 hours when I'm fully focused on something. Which it's a hard thing for me. And I really want to keep having surf lessons! It's another thing that it's so helpful and good! And it's helping me with my fear of the ocean. A lot!
It's hard for me to do a balance of 2018. It started great but it didn't end the way I thought it would. It was not the worst year of my life (I'll leave that to 2010, 2011 and 2012!) But it's for sure on top 3! But it was also a good year. That's why it's so hard for me. And this week I've been thinking a lot about how I felt last year around this time and the difference is enormous. I was so confident that 2018 was going to be my year. I was so confident about myself, I felt really happy. I was truly happy, Now I feel that I'm happy sometimes, not always. And that most of the times I have to pretend that I'm happy because I feel that people are tired of me. And it's so exhaustive. I can't let myself say that 2019 is going to be better than 2018 because I'm scared. I really thought 2018 was going to be great and look how it turned out. I just can wish that 2019 is going to be at least good. I'm feeling very negative today.
In 2019 I really want to keep practicing bass as I am right now. I think I've been evolving very well and it's been a very good thing to me. It distracts me of my thoughts and it's 2 hours when I'm fully focused on something. Which it's a hard thing for me. And I really want to keep having surf lessons! It's another thing that it's so helpful and good! And it's helping me with my fear of the ocean. A lot!
In 2019 I want to be more confident, I want to like myself (more) and to believe in me. I really want to do things by myself and I really need to make me love to go to Porto again. I think I'm going to need help with that because in these past months I tried by myself and I couldn't. In one week I need to go again and I'm already a little anxious about it. I just want to stay at home.
In 2019 I want to start going out with my friends again in Barcelos. Last week I noticed how much I missed it. How much I miss them and the good they make me. With them I can be myself. I don't need to pretend anything. And I really think they like me for who I am.
In 2019 I just want to be truly happy. Is that so hard? It shouldn't. I believe in karma a lot and maybe I'm doing something wrong! I like to think that I'm a good person. I try to help everyone I can without expecting nothing in return. I love to give. But is it bad that sometimes I also want to receive?
I don't want to forget 2018. Even with everything that happened it gave me some good things. Right now I look at it as a dark thing but I want to believe that when all of this has passed I'm going to be able to look at it and at least smile. But I really want 2018 to be over! I'm sorry! :p
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