Bad days

I've been feeling a little bit down in the last fews days. I've been crying at least one time everyday. I really don't know why I'm like this. I'm not sleeping again. And when I sleep I don't rest. 

It feels like I've taken two steps back instead of at least one step forward. My cousin says he's feeling like this too and that maybe it's some kind of post-holiday "depression". It can be. Everytime in the end of the summer I always get sad. This sad I'm feeling is different. But everything is different now, so maybe that's what it is. Maybe I'm just missing the holidays.

I always hated this time of the year, but maybe because I was already feeling down, I kind of enjoyed it this time. I tried to have fun during Christmas and I tried to talk to my family and spend more time with them. It was not easy because sometimes I just wanted to go to my bedroom and stay there. But I made the effort. And I also tried to do some things differently. I left my phone in my bedroom most of the times and it was a relief honestly. The anxiety of checking it was less when I didn't had it. But I think that I'm checking it more now again. I find myself reaching for it more times again.

During the New Year I felt so happy. Really happy like I wasn't in a while. Now I'm feeling down again. I just want to lay in bed and stay there forever. Again. I'm fighting this. But it's so tiring. I can't do anything because I can't focus. And then I feel bad because I didn't do anything.

And I had my first appointment with the psychologist after a month without appointments and I cried during all the appointment. Even when I told him about the good things. I know I had to relive painful moments like the work Christmas dinner and that made me cry. but then I just couldn't stop. And now I'm going to have the next appointment in 3 weeks (it was supposed to be in 2 weeks but he couldn't when I could). Two steps back. He told me that even though I don't feel it, I'm way better than before. I just don't feel it. 

I need to keep fighting this but sometimes I get so tired of this. It's hard to fight against what you feel.