Work

Work it's been very hard for me. I can't concentrate, I can't do more than two things at the same time because neither will be done correctly. And this is starting to worrying me. I feel like I'm not going to be able to finish the PhD or that I'm not really doing something now. 

I like what I'm doing. If I see myself doing this for the rest of my life? No. I don't want to live on scholarships forever. I want something a little bit more stable. I've always kind of knew that and now while doing the PhD I'm sure of that. I love working on the laboratory but I hate the writing part and it's a very lonely work and right now I don't feel like I can do that forever. Maybe that's because I still can't be alone for long periods of time. It still scares me. Right now I don't know if it scares me because I'm really scared of being alone or if it's the idea of being alone that scares me. Up until a year ago I was okay with the idea of being alone. It didn't scare me at all. Now? It scares me a lot. More than what I want to admit. But I want to be able to be alone with myself. 

Step by step I've been starting to work a little bit more each week. I've been writing and I started to go to the laboratory. But I still feel that it's hard for me. It's hard to come to college. Very hard. Everyday in the morning I'm nervous and everytime I park my car I just want to turn it on again and go away. I pretty much know now why this is happening and it has nothing to do with my PhD, and I'm really trying to overcome it. It's not as hard as it was one month ago but it's still hard. It's a fight everyday but it's a fight I'm winning and I intend on winning the battle. I'm not going to run away from this. I'm not going to give up. I want to be myself again. A better me but I still want a little bit of my old me. And that old me would not give up.