Staying on the path

I don't know why but everytime I have appointment with the psychologist and the psychiatrist I get really nervous. More with the psychiatrist than with the psychologist. I guess that's because I'm "used" now to have appointments with him and I got used to talk to him and share with him all of the things that, sometimes, I can't even admit to myself. I believe that's why it's hard to have these appointments. You have to be brutally honest with yourself for they to be able to help you. And it's not easy to be brutally honest when it's about you. No one likes to talk about the things they have kept deep inside them because they are scared to even think about them. No one likes to admit that maybe they were wrong in the things they have done, in the paths they have chosen for their lives. When you go to the psychologist you have to go deep down and it's very different to talk about these things in loud voice than to just think about them. When you say things out loud they feel different, they seem to have another weight and sometimes you can see them with another perspective. Sometimes it's that perspective is not good, you feel even worse about them. But sometimes just by saying them out loud that perspective makes you change your thoughts about them. You might see that maybe them are not that bad and that might help you change things, might help you start to heal.

In these appointments I have to face what I don't want. I have to face stuff that I keep in the bottom of my "to do" list. And it's things that always were in the bottom and that I wanted to kept there because talking about them it's painful, makes me cry and makes me think about these things. And it can be good because this way I can heal and I can move forward, start to mend my heart and my mind, But the part that I don't like it's the pain that this brings. It brings me down and in the end of the appointment I can see that I'm mentally exhausted. I just want to lay in bed and stay there. And most of the times I cry a lot. I cry during the appointments and after. And it's hard. But I know I need to do this to get better. I need to face my fears and overcome them. And according to the psychologist I'm better than in the beginning so I just have to keep in this path.