Making plans

I always loved to have my time well defined. To know what I'm going to do in the next week. I really don't like to do things that weren't planned! It's something I've been trying to change but it's been difficult. I like to plan things with anticipation and I hate when things don't go according to plan. I hate changes. And that's why I think that it's been difficult for me to do some decisions. Decisions that maybe I should have done 3 months ago but they would mean making some changes and I fear that. They would mean "cut" some people out of my life. And even though I think that would make me feel better I don't know if I'm ready for it. I'm scared of the consequences of that decision. What if it's not the best? What if I regret? I know we should always try and see where it takes us, and I was a big defender of that but know I don't think I am anymore. Because I'm scared of getting hurt again. I'm not ready to get hurt. Not yet. There's still something broken inside me and it's taking more time than what I wanted to heal. But I can't fight it. Things take time and if this is taking more time than what I expected I just have to let it take that time. It's worse if you try to make things heal quicker. You're only going to heal on the outside and the inside is going to stay broken. It's like cooking, it's not because you're using a higher temperature that things are going to be cooked quicker. 

So I keep making plans. I keep organizing everything in my head and I like it that way. This decision is there in the to do list. It's just not in the to do list of this week or the next week. But someday I'm going to have to deal with it. I'm going to have to be brave enough to do it. Or be brave enough to not do it and deal with the consequences. But whatever it happens I'll be here to deal with it. Good or bad. I have to. I can't keep hiding from it. I can't keep putting it in the bottom of the list. 

But for now I'm going to leave it there! And I will try to live my life without so many things planned ahead. The thing is, plans give me security. Not having plans gives me insecurity. And I don't like that!