Broken heart

I think my heart is getting better! The pain I used to feel is not that intense and it's smaller. It's like it's in a little corner of the heart and day by day it's starting to get away. It's still there though. And I'm a little scared of these next few months, because me being me I know I'm going to start remembering things because some things started to change a year ago. And I don't want to because they still hurt me. I try to keep those memories in a little place in my head and it has a door that it's locked. And I'm really trying to lose the key! I hope one day I can look at those memories and feel happiness and not what feel now. Like I just want to forget them because of the pain I still feel. And it's harder because I lost my best friend. There's some kind of friendship there but things are not what they used to be. And I miss the friendship. I really do. I don't want anything else. Just the friendship because it was something that I truly appreciated. I'm starting to get used to things being the way they are. But everyone knows by now that I hate changes and that it takes some time for me to get used to things.

I think I'm starting to move on from all of this. I'm really trying to. I'm trying to move on with my life. I'm trying to be the one I used to be last year. Someone that was happy with life, someone that knew what she wanted. It's not that I was completely happy. I wasn't. But I was trying to change the little things I didn't like. I was. But then my life took a turn and I thought that maybe I was really going to be happy. I was wrong! But now I really don't see that as a bad thing! I see that as a way to learn and to improve. The hole I'm in (and I'm starting to get out of) is just a bump in a long road that's my life. I don't need to fix it! I need to overcome it. The scars are going to stay there to remind me that I'm still alive and to remind me that I can overcome the challenges life throws my way. I just have to want to overcome them. I didn't want to in the beginning of all of this. I just wanted to stay at home and never leave. I just wanted to live with my pain and never get better. Because I thought that if I ever got better I was just going to get hurt again. And that thought scared the hell out of me. I felt lonely and like nobody cared about me. That I was going to be that way forever. And if I was going to be that way at least I was at home. In a place where I felt safe and sound.

We all want to think that we made a mark in someone we care about. But sometimes we don't and I'm getting used to that. But it's so hard. You know when you know you and that person could be amazing friends? But the other person doesn't want to or isn't interested? And you feel like you're the one who's doing all the effort? I think that sometimes we just have to give up. Even if some people leave a mark on me that doesn't mean that I left one on them. I wish I did, but I have to live with the fact that I don't. Some friendships mean more to us than to the other person. We consider that person a close friend but the other person can only consider us another friend. I'm starting to accept that. It's not easy, Not when you really care about the other person. Not when you really cherish the friendship and you wish you could be close friends forever.  But when one doesn't want there's nothing to do! (I might be unfair but it's what I'm feeling and I really wanted to get this out of my head and here I can vent what's in my head!) This is something I'm trying to apply in my life. I'm really trying to. It might be a defense mechanism to not to get hurt but I have to do it. I feel safe that way. My walls are up again.

Now, I want to get better. I'm not ready to get hurt again, I know that! And my walls are still all uo and I'm scared of let them go. But I'm seeing things differently than a few months ago. I'm still not ready to be okay alone but I think I've walked a lot and I'm a lot better than I was. I'm not perfect and I know I'm going to get hurt again, but that's life. I need to take a risk at being happy again. Maybe it will work out, maybe it don't. I'm scared but I have to try.