Music

Music was always a very important thing in my life. Since I remember I've always listened to music and I've always enjoyed going to concerts and music festivals. I've learned to play piano and violin and I was younger but I never really enjoyed it at the time. Now, looking back, I think I should have enjoyed it more. 

I've started noticing that I was not okay when all the songs that I've always loved, always listened to, would make me cry and cry and cry. I stopped listening to music when I was driving. I just couldn't. It was painful. Every song would be a reminder of something. Every song was like a needle being pushed into my skin. A paper cut. And this, to someone that always used music to get through the bad and good in life, was hard. I would get desperate because of this. I wanted to listen to my songs, I wanted to sing, I wanted to use music to help me get through my bad place. And I couldn't. 

Bass was always something that I wanted to learn and as always I never got to do it because I always thought that I wasn't going to be able to do it. That it was too late, that I wasn't going to be good enough. During the summer I decided to buy a bass guitar (with a little push from a friend - thank you!) and in September I enrolled in a music school and I started to have bass lessons. It's been a help. It's been amazing. The hours I spend training, playing, studying are the times I don't think about anything else, are the times when it's just me and music. It was the best decision I've made in the past months. 

Starting to listening to music again is been difficult, but I'm getting there. I've been listening to new songs, new artists. Songs that don't make me think about my past, songs that don't make me cry. Step by step I'm also starting to listen to the bands, artists I love. Some I can't even bear to think about because only thinking about it makes me cry. That's what happens when you are one of those that associate music to things that happen to you. But this was a first. Never in my life I ever thought that music could make me feel pain this way. But in one way or another music is helping me getting through this.