Memories

One of the things that sometimes I wish I could do is to erase some memories that I have. I know it's stupid and deep down I know I wouldn't do it, but sometimes I think it would make everything so easy. And why can't things be easy and simple sometimes? Why does it have to be so hard? Why can't life just give you a break? I know these memories will make me stronger in the way that I won't repeat the same mistakes and I don't regret anything I did, but if I could do it all over again would I do it the same way? Big no there. I wouldn't. Why would I do things that only made me suffer and feel miserable, made me feel like I was/am not enough? Those things also made me happy but I think the balance, at the moment, tends to the negative rather than to the positive. 

No one likes to suffer, no one likes to feel like they aren't enough. These memories might be good but they make me think of times when I was so much happier than what I am now. Times when I felt I could trust myself again, that I could believe in myself. Times when I felt I had someone that trusted me and the believed in me. Now I just feel alone and that it's me against the world. And maybe that's the way it should be. Just me. I need to believe in me and not expect to have someone else that also believes in me (even though is always good to have someone that believes in you. That someone might be the push you need to overcome something. There's nothing wrong in that.). I need to trust me and my decisions. I need to believe in the choices I make and I need to make those choices for myself. 

These memories most of the times come to my mind when I'm watching tv or listening to music and something there triggers them. That's why I don't do those things as much as I used to do. Because, right now, I feel sad when I have those memories and I cry a lot. So I try my best not to think about them. I try my best not to do things that might trigger them. The worst is when they come in my dreams. I can't control them and when I wake up, most of the times, I wake up crying, I wake up miserable. I think that's why I don't sleep as much as I used to or that I don't sleep at all. 

But memories are just that. Memories. I can't change them. I can't erase them. I have to live with them because they are the product of my choices and I don't regret those choices. I think I wouldn't do them  again if I could turn back in time but I can't. And if I could I had to live with different memories and who knows if those memories would be better?