Lets start this

Growing up what I remember of my grandmother is that she was always crying and being a child I couldn't understand why. Then I started hearing the word depression, I started to see that my father's cousin also had that, that my father also had that and well, my uncle also had that. I couldn't understand what it was. I couldn't. It's not that I thought that they were weak or that they had no reasons to be like that. I just couldn't understand how that could happen to someone. How can someone get to a point in life where nothing makes sense. Where you just feel lost. How can a 10 year old understand that? They can't.

Fast foward to 20 years later. Here I am finishing the third year of my PhD and dealing with depression. And how did I get here? I don't know! One day I was happy, the other someone broke my heart, my father's cousin died and add that to having lost 3 of my grandparents in three consecutive years, breaking up a 10 year relationship without even looking back. I guess I just thought I was happy. Maybe deep down I wasn't.

It's not been easy. I'm seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist. They say this has nothing to do with a broken heart and more to do with lack of self esteem, lack of self love, lack of trust in ,myself. I feel lost. I feel completely lonely. I don't feel this everyday. Most of the time I feel I'm going to get over this, this is just something that's going to make me stronger. But sometimes, like now, I feel like this overpowers me, like there's no way out. And on those times I just cry. And even though I never cared about what other people thought about me, I can't help but wonder what they think now. Am I just weak? Do they think I don't have reasons to be like this? Do they think I'm crazy because I start crying out of nowhere? I can't control it. I know my trigger points and I avoid them, but sometimes it's impossible because I don't know what it triggers it. And I hate crying and I don't like being the "person that's always crying".

I'm trying to do things that make me get out of my comfort zone. I have started having bass lessons, I'm starting to go to surf lessons. I really like it and on those times I have nothing on my mind.

I hope this blog helps someone but mostly I hope it helps me getting all of my thoughts out of my head.