Good days and bad days

One of the things that I do now is qualify my days as good days and bad days! A good day is a day where I don't cry, a day where I have fun, a day where my night was good, where I didn't dream (or at least I don't remember what I dreamt), a day where I don't wake up sad. On the other hand a bad day is a day where I cry, a day where I feel sad, a day where nothing can make me feel hope, where nothing brings happiness to me. Normally I sleep very badly on theses days, I have vivid dreams of the time when I was happier and I wake up feeling this sadness that crushes my already broken heart. 

On a bad day I can't control when I cry. Normally I know what triggers it, but sometimes I just feel this sadness that makes me cry, this feel of impotence, like nothing is going to be right ever again. And then I can't stop crying and I cry more because I'm crying. And I cry everywhere in front of anyone. And I hate it and hate myself for it. It makes me feel weak. I don't like this person that's always crying and I don't want to become her permanently. I want to go back to what I used to be. I want to go back to being happy, to smile, to laugh. To not feel this horrible pain inside me. To not distrust people. I want to be the person that loved hanging out with her friends, the person that loved listen to music, the person that loved to read, to watch tv series, movies. I want to be the person that used to go alone to the cinema because she loved being alone and with herself. I want to love myself again. I want to trust myself again. 

Step by step I think I'm getting there. But it's a long walk and it's a very lonely walk. Everything depends on me. To get out of this hole I'm in I can only count on myself. It's me the one that has to climb the walls and do the walk. No one else can do it for me. No one else. And even though people can be by my side and help me, I always feel lonely and abandoned. I always think that people are tired of me, that they don't want to hang out with me because I'm not the best company. Lets face it even I don't like to hang out with myself! 

"Sticks and stones and animal bones

Cant stop me from having a good day on a bad day
There's good days and bad days"